faggatronx (4:11:09 PM): I love you….
faggatronx (4:11:20 PM): Do you believe in us, Jesse?
faggatronx (4:12:27 PM): I believe in us. Alot, and I hope you do too. I love you with all my heart. really.
Lovebutt. <3 (4:15:53 PM): I do, I just don’t believe in myself.
faggatronx (4:15:57 PM): What?
Lovebutt. <3 (4:16:32 PM): I believe in us, I really do. I’ve just given up on myself.
Lovebutt. <3 (4:22:54 PM): I know I’m supposed to be showing you affection, and doing all of these things that you want. It’s not even that hard. It’s just difficult for me, because I never know what to do. I like hugging, and kissing, and letting people listen to what I have to say. But I can’t do that with you, because you’re thousands of miles away and I can’t do anything about it. It’s getting in the way of everything. I’m not too lazy to do it, or don’t want to, because I do want to show you how much I love you. It just sucks when I hear you tell me that you need it, and you don’t feel like I love you back. I do love you, and I do believe in us. That’s why I’ve held a grudge for this past week or so, because of what you said. The thing about your ex really threw me off. It made me realize that even though I love you, I have to show it, or you could easily run off with someone else. I know there’s a one in a million chance of that happening, and you probably won’t do it, but it’s true. It CAN happen. The questions you’re always asking me make me want to cry. I’m getting so close to losing you, and it’s MY fault.
faggatronx (4:28:00 PM): I didn’t mean it. I didn’t like it coming from her, I told her to leave me alone. I would never run off with someone else. It can happen, but It won’t. I love you, I don’t want to leave you. I just don’t know what to do about problems like this, especially when I fucked up by saying some stupid stuff. Usually, when I fuck up, I’m left. I’ve been waiting for you to leave me, Jesse. No, I don’t WANT you to, It’s just what usually happens and yeah.. It’s not your fault. I’m far too emotional, and clingy and confused and scared because I haven’t felt like this for anyone before. I’m just really scared you don’t feel the same, and I’m really scared of losing you. I’d never leave you. Okay? Never. I’m sorry.
Lovebutt. <3 (4:42:27 PM): I know you didn’t like it coming from her, because you wanted it from me. You told me. Caitlyn, you do not fuck up. You say these things for a reason. You tell me what’s on your mind to show me that you need help with something, need something that’s been missing, or that you’re hurt. It’s not fucking up, it’s being REAL. It’s me and my attitude that sets you back and makes you think that you did something wrong. If I wasn’t this way, you’d be completely fine. The both of us would be fine. Like I said before, you have nothing to be sorry for. I know it’s a natural to feel sorry about something, but you never have to be sorry when it comes to me. I’M sorry. I know you’re scared of losing me. Trust me, I’m scared of losing you too. But I’m letting that happen by doing nothing about it. I’m sorry I’ve been such a dick these past few days. I was supposed to be telling you that I love you, instead of ignoring you and giving you no emotion. It’s my fault. You can deny it all you want, and tell me that it isn’t, but I know it is.
faggatronx (4:45:19 PM): If I haven’t of said anything, we’d be fine. If I haven’t of said anything, I wouldn’t have been so fucking scared these past few days. If I haven’t said anything, I wouldn’t have been crying myself to sleep, whimpering that I’m going to loose you.. And I wouldn’t be crying right now. I shouldn’t have said anything, It was unecessary.
Lovebutt. <3 (4:51:18 PM): The point of a relationship is to communicate with each other. Now that I think about it, you did the right thing by telling me what was on your mind. We should be able to talk to each other and tell each other what’s wrong, and what we need to fix. If we talk to each other and actually get through everything without arguing, you wouldn’t need to be scared. You wouldn’t need to cry. You wouldn’t be crying right now. You would be smiling, and happy about breaking another brick from our wall.
faggatronx (4:52:32 PM): I tried talking to you before. I only got simple, short answers. and then the subject would change. I think that’s why I exploded.
Lovebutt. <3 (4:59:59 PM): I know, and if I didn’t give you short answers and actually talked to you, you wouldn’t have exploded. I was angry, that’s why I gave you useless answers. I want to work on that, though. I want to be able to actually talk to you. I’m just worried about you leaving when I do. You have a tendancy to log off when I try doing it. I don’t want to hurt you, and I know you leave to calm down, but you have to try to understand that you need to stay in order for us to talk to eachother.
faggatronx (5:04:43 PM): I don’t like being yelled at, and I sometimes I leave before I end up throwing my computer, or I feel like I can’t breathe and getting offline and going to talk to my mom helps me calm down a little. I know I need to stay in order to for us to talk, but it’s hard because that’s what I do when I’m faced with an argument. I don’t like solving it, because sometimes solving it hurts and I’ve had enough hurt. I like to leave and come back later and pretend like nothing happened =/
faggatronx (5:08:43 PM): BUT, i was getting frustrated since you were ignoring me, and you said leaving doesnt solve anything, so i was confused on what ignoring me was doing
Lovebutt. <3 (5:14:46 PM): Caitlyn, you can’t erase problems. That’s another thing that got me angry. When we faught and you left, you came back and talked to me as if nothing happened. It pissed me off, because while you were being your normal bubbly self, I was sitting here with steam coming out of my ears. I honestly didn’t want to talk to you then, and when I did, I completely blew up on you. I know I say that leaving doesn’t solve anything, but I don’t leave. While you sent me tons of IMs, I sat here and read every one. Like I said, I was angry, and didn’t really want to talk then, but I would never leave. You shouldn’t be afraid to solve a problem, because solving problems can actually help with a situation sometimes. In this case, we’re talking, and we’re solving a problem as we speak.
faggatronx (5:18:11 PM): When you ignore me it makes me feel like you hate me. I have a huge fear of being ignored and forgotten, and when I get ignored I blow up/shut down. I was trying to cheer you up, if you saw me while I was acting “bubbly” You’d see me crying, and trying to keep up and bubbly but failing. When you’re mad at me, it completely rips me to pieces. Listen, I always used to try to solve problems, but it got too much for me. Because when I open up way too much, I get shoved to the side and told I don’t matter. That’s what happened in my past several friendships.
Lovebutt. <3 (5:28:56 PM): When I ignore you, or I’m mad at you, it doesn’t mean that I hate you. It just means that I’m mad, and I need time to actually go over what happened and think about what was said or done to make me angry. I understand that you gave up when it came to solving problems, and that’s fine. But sometimes, you’re going to need that ability. You can’t just push away every problem or arguement you’re going to have in your life, and forget it ever happened. Life’s not going to allow that. You’re going to have to solve a problem in order to learn and move on. When you solve a problem, you don’t need to open yourself up “too much”, or cough up all of the air in your lungs for that certain situation. All you need to do is think about the negative and positive outcomes, and at least try to talk to solve it and make things better. You don’t need to throw your whole life into one decision. If you’re arguing with a person, and they don’t want it to get any better, then they can solve it themselves. It’s as simple as that. That’s the only time you can walk away, but you never give up on it. No matter how hard it gets. Everything gets better in the end. And if it’s not better, then it’s not the end yet.
faggatronx (5:34:09 PM): I don’t forget problems. They eat at me and eat at me until I’m beyond upset. I don’t try to open myself up too much, I just hate opening up even a little since people like to hurt me so much. Jesse, I know all of that. But my train of thought works the opposite. I believe in the last sentance, in fact the few words, the one saying I believe in the most is that. If I get the slightest feeling you hate me, I shut down. I shut down, I freak out, I spazz. Then when I’m done doing that, and you still show me no emotion, I make myself get ready for you to leave me. These past few days hurt like fuck, and I really didn’t like it. =/
Lovebutt. <3 (5:47:55 PM): Everyone gets upset when they’re faced with a problem that seems too much to handle. What I mean by “forgetting” is, you can’t just leave and come back, and pretend that the problem never happened in order to make things better. I understand if it helps you, but you’re not going to be able to do that your whole life. When you solve a problem, you feel much more relieved and better about doing it, instead of leaving and having that slight guilty feeling once you come back. You shouldn’t be getting thoughts of me hating you. To be honest, if I did hate you, I would’ve completely blocked you out of my life. I do it with everyone. But I’m never going to hate you. You’re my girlfriend, and I love you for who you are, what you say, and what you do. When something like this happens, you shouldn’t brace yourself for the worst. You need to prepare your mind with optimistic thoughts. When you’re filled with negative thoughts, it’s only going to make the situation more grim, and all that negativity is eventually going to result in something horrible happening.
faggatronx (5:54:51 PM): I’d never hate you, either. I love you so much. I just don’t know what to think, because a lot of people.. yeah. a lot of people, who aren’t you, has hurt me beyond fixing. and I always have that one thought in my head, “This is Jesse, he loves me. He wouldn’t hate me.” but there’s a bigger, stronger side that convinces me you hate me =/ that side is always like “You’re pathetic, why would he love you in the first place?” and when you get mad that part strengthens, and overpowers me. =/
Lovebutt. <3 (5:58:00 PM): When it does, you should be able to fight back and say no. And when you say no, it means no. That part should never, ever overpower you, no matter how mad I am. It’s only doing that because you’re vulnerable, and since you’ve been hurt, that side knows your weaknesses. But you need to jump in and fight it, and know that I would never hate you. You can’t let it degrade you.
faggatronx (6:00:42 PM): But it’s so hard. I find it much easier letting it consume me, because I don’t feel I have the strength to fight it. Because I can never find a reason why you love me. It’s hard to look for reasons, especially in that state of mind. To me, all that side says ends up being true.
Lovebutt. <3 (6:04:40 PM): If you don’t feel as if you don’t have enough strength to fight it, then you should immediately train yourself somehow and learn to overcome it. You shouldn’t believe everything that it tells you. Caitlyn, you’re a wonderful person beyond belief. Do not listen to all of the negativity, it’ll only bring you down more. Focus on everything positive, even in the worst situations.
faggatronx (6:07:05 PM): I am trying, believe me. I try not to, but it’s what I’ve fell into and believed for the past few months. I don’t believe I’m wonderful, and It only hurts me more when people say I am, because I know it dissapoints them when I can’t see it. The words that repeat in my head, are words I’ve been told my numerous people who broke me.
Lovebutt. <3 (6:11:55 PM): When someone tells you that you’re wonderful, or amazing, embrace it and believe it. And with every compliment that you get, erase one negative thought from your head. You shouldn’t be thinking about the shitty things people said before, because that should’ve been forgotten by now. I know it’s hard, but all of the hard work is going to pay off in the end. You’re going to be happy for longer than you think.
faggatronx (6:13:40 PM): I’m not one to forget easily. when someone hurts me, or yells at me or something in some way, i never forget and it adds to my list of negatives. I really don’t try to. I know, I try to believe it but it’s hard because of all the bullshit and idk. I am happy, somewhat. You make me beyond happy.
faggatronx (6:16:44 PM): It’s just what’s been bothering me lately has gotten me down.. =/
Lovebutt. <3 (6:18:39 PM): You should be able to forget it. It’s hard, but you can do it. Right now you probably don’t believe that you can, but once you try, you’ll be able to list things that actually make you smile instead. Bullshit is bullshit, and it shouldn’t be remembered.
Lovebutt. <3 (6:19:03 PM): I know that all of this has gotten you down, but after today, things will start getting better. I promise.
faggatronx (6:20:41 PM): I’m getting better.. I actually feel like I have a purpose, now. That makes me smile. That’s something, right? Okay, good, because I really don’t like fighting and I don’t like you being mad at me ): It hurts soo much.